GloatWatchers
by Ruthie
Summary: Five male System Lords meet each other in a place they'd rather not admit to...


Title: Gloatwatchers  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Details: Humour, Parody  
  
Summary: Five male system lords meet each other in a place they'd rather not admit to...  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.   
  
Author's Note: I don't care if half of them are supposed to be dead! g Enjoy, and please send feedback!  
  
~ Gloatwatchers ~  
  
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth   
  
**********  
  
Ba'al looked anxiously around the corner of the corridor to make sure that he wasn't being followed. Then, he pulled up the bottom of his robes and half-ran to the doorway, turning back around to check that there was nobody watching him.   
  
Then, he raised his hand and knocked on the door. After muttering a secret password, he was permitted entrance.  
  
**********  
  
At that exact same time, Apophis looked around the corner of his corridor to ensure that he was not being spyed upon. He pulled a paper bag down over his head - just in case - and continued on down the corridor. Unfortunately, the paper bag greatly reduced his vision and he ran straight into a blind wall, falling back down on the floor with a loud curse.  
  
**********  
  
Seth blew his nose on a leaf and peeked out from behind the bush he was wearing as a protective suit - nobody would recognise him if he looked like a simple piece of Tau'ri greenery. He edged around a precariously placed piece of furniture and cursed as it ripped off part of his disguise. He edged closer to the door and knocked.  
  
**********  
  
Sokar pulled his hood up over his head and walked quietly along the corridor, looking both left and right to ensure that nobody would know where he was going.   
  
He peeked around the edge of the hood occasionally to make sure that there was nobody looking at him - it would be so embarassing if any of his followers found him here...  
  
**********  
  
Anubis glared beneath his hood as he realised that he would be the last to arrive. He walked swiftly through the corridors, wondering about what events would follow his entering the room. He was surely the best person in the room, but he never knew...there was always the chance that someone would snatch his title...  
  
**********  
  
"Hello!" A blonde Goa'uld beamed at them, "Welcome to GloatWatchers! Please, come and take a seat."  
  
All the men dropped their hoods - and came face to face with one another.  
  
Ba'al shrieked.  
  
Apophis groaned.  
  
Seth moaned, and pulled his hood up again.  
  
Sokar growled.  
  
Anubis just did his floaty-head thing.  
  
"What...what are you doing here?" Sokar asked Ba'al, who was still wanting to shriek.  
  
"Me? Me? I...I'm not here - I'm here for a friend!" He protested. "Ask Apophis - leave me alone!"  
  
Apophis suddenly grew very flustered. "I am also here for an acquaintance - there is nothing wrong with my gloat level."  
  
Anubis did his floaty-head thing (but in a mocking way.) "We are all here for exactly the same reason, guys, and we all know it. Lord Ba'al, stop shrieking like a woman. Lord Seth, pull your hood down. Lord Sokar, stop growling. Lord Apophis - for MY sake take off your eyeliner."  
  
Apophis frowned, and went into the toilets to remove his eye make-up.  
  
"So..." Seth tried to start up a conversation with Ba'al. "How long have you been coming here?"  
  
"I told you!" Ba'al snapped, "I am only here for a friend!"  
  
"Right," Seth replied sarcastically, "How long have you been coming here for your friend?"  
  
"Just a month or so," Ba'al casually replied, tweaking his robe.  
  
"Ha!" Seth shouted, very loudly, "A GloatWatchers Virgin!"  
  
"Shut up!" Ba'al hissed, "At least I don't need to come here that regularly - YOU obviously do!"  
  
Seth was quiet for a moment. Ba'al's gloat points rose by three.  
  
"Can we all come into the seating area please?" the blonde woman (who had met them at the door) asked.  
  
The five men reluctantly shuffled forwards and sat down in folding plastic chairs, turning their backs on one another and pretending that they weren't there.  
  
"Hi," the woman smiled, "Welcome to GloatWatchers North Abydos! Can we have Mr Anubis first, please?"  
  
Anubis got up, smirked at his competitors (and did his floaty head thing) and stood on the podium beside the blonde woman, who was wearing a large name badge saying: TRISH.  
  
Trish beamed at him. "So, Mr Anubis - how many gloat points do you think you will have gained since our last meeting?"  
  
"Well, I have destroyed five entire planets, wiped out two different species of plant, five populations of Tau'ri on remote planets - and my first prime."  
  
"Ooh!" Trish beamed, "Well, you've certainly gained some points there! Step onto the Scales, Mr Anubis!"  
  
Anubis got on the scales and smirked at Ba'al, who was looking down at the patterns on his robe.  
  
"Here are your results," Trish announced into a microphone. "Your previous points total was 200! Unfortunately, there was a deduction of 50 points for attractiveness - because you've got no head - and another deduction of 25 points for style - because you've got no head. You did gain 100 gloat points, however, so your new total of Gloat Points is 225!"  
  
Anubis huffed in annoyance and sat back down on his foldable chair, completely unaware that Apophis had placed chewing gum on it.  
  
"Next - can we have Mr Apophis please?" Trish asked, smiling into the microphone.  
  
Apophis stood up, and walked slowly to the podium.  
  
"So, Mr Apophis - how many gloat points do you think you will have gained since our last meeting?"  
  
"Well, I have captured SG-1 several times, and tortured them, I have destroyed a planet, two Tok'ra ships, several hundred Tok'ra, my wife and my first prime."  
  
"Ooh, well! That's very impressive! Could you step onto the scales please, Mr Apophis?"  
  
Apophis got onto the scales, and looked at his reflection in the window, annoyed to see that his eye make-up was smudgy.  
  
"Here are your results," Trish beamed, "Your previous points total was 100. Unfortunately, there was a deduction of 100 points for letting SG-1 escape, and another 100 for wearing make-up. You did gain 100 gloat points, however, so your new total of Gloat Points is...O."  
  
Apophis hung his head in shame as he walked back to his folding chair, sat down - and promptly folded into the chair, which Sokar had accidentally-on-purpose unfolded.  
  
"Next - Mr Seth. Come on up!" Trish called, waving an arm covered in glittery bangles.  
  
Seth got up, coughed, ran a hand through his hair and swaggered up to the podium.  
  
"Mr Seth - how many points do you think you will have gained?"  
  
"I have destroyed several species of rabbit on P7F-128, I have enslaved every species of chipmunk on P7E-274, I have married a gopher and killed my first prime."  
  
"Mr Seth - you don't actually have a first prime, do you?"  
  
"No. But all the others said it!" Seth hopped up and down angrily.  
  
"Can you step calmly onto the scales please," Trish asked, blinking suddenly.   
  
"Did you say you married a gopher?"  
  
Seth nodded.  
  
"Riiiight. Your previous points total was -5. Unfortunately, you have 100 points deducted because you only actually kill/enslave animals, not Tau'ri. We deduct another 100 points for marrying a gopher...and another 25 for your haircut. That means that your new points total is -230!"  
  
"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!" Seth shouted, falling to the floor and clutching at his head.  
  
"Could you please accept your crushing defeat like a man and sit down?" Trish asked, her beam fading.  
  
(Seth did eventually have to be carried out in a box and sprayed with water until he calmed down.)  
  
"Mr Sokar - you're next!" Trish said, smiling.  
  
Sokar got up from his chair and went to the podium.   
  
"So, Mr So-"  
  
"I believe that I will have gained many points, but I do not wish to gloat about it."  
  
Trish frowned. "Then why are you here?"  
  
(Long Pause)  
  
"For goodness' sake! This is GloatWatchers! The whole idea is to GLOAT!" Trish screamed angrily, "I GET PAID TO DO THIS! SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET ON THE SCALES!"  
  
Sokar got on the scales and rolled his eyes.  
  
"Sokar, your previous points total was -1. You have had 500 points deducted for refusing to gloat, and another 300 for being bald and unattractive. That makes your new points total -801!"  
  
Sokar swore, went back to his chair, smashed it up and stormed out of the hall to get drunk.  
  
"Finally - can we have Mr Ba'al, please?" Trish asked, directing a withering glance in Ba'al's direction.  
  
Ba'al stood up and swooshed through the rows of people, standing opposite Trish on the podium, who appeared to be blushing.  
  
"Oh. Oh, dear. Uh...Hi! So..Mr Beautiful..I mean, Mr Ba'al, um...how many points do you think you will have gained?"  
  
Ba'al shrugged. "I..."  
  
"Oh!" Trish giggled, "That's wonderful. Please continue!" She batted her eyelashes at him. Ba'al frowned.  
  
"Well..."  
  
"Ooh!" Trish giggled again, "That's terribly exciting! Could you get on the scales, please, Mr Ba'al?"  
  
He did as he was asked, but frowned as he saw Trish staring at his butt.  
  
"Well, your previous points total was 200. You've had NO deductions! You've gained 200 points for your...um...skills...and 1000 points for being F***ING GORGEOUS! That makes your new points total 1400!"  
  
Trish threw her arms around him and giggled happily. Ba'al frowned, but looked over at Anubis and smirked, giving him the v-sign.  
  
"Prepare to meet your doom," Anubis muttered, leaving the meeting in a strop, pulling at the chewing gum stuck on his backside.  
  
THE END 


End file.
